Top 10 video games we wish included Alton

A Tuesday Top 10 change of pace

So, I am currently chasing two very heavy stories — one involving the shooting death of a local child. I almost didn’t do one of these this week, however, I learned today is National Video Game Day, and decided that we all could use something fun as a little treat. So, what’s a better treat than a Tuesday Top 10 we can argue about on social media?

So, I compiled a list of some of my favorite video game franchises I would love to see have locations in Alton. I am a casual gamer at best, so please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t strike me with some niche bullshit and ask why it wasn’t included, unless, of course, it brings us engagement.

10 • MARIO KART

For such a great game, I bet you’re wondering why Mario Kart would only be #10 on my list. The answer is simple. Mario Kart would only feature one track from Alton as they seem to switch up settings. So, I would suggest that a loop around some of our more daunting hills (from the Lovejoy Monument to Bubby’s and Sissy’s would be a crazy circuit). There’d be all sorts of obstacles, including ghosts, people on rascals, and downtown revelers. It’d be incredible.

9 • LINK/ZELDA

Yet another great Nintendo franchise pretty low on the list. What’s up with that, Cory? Well, dear readers, the bluffs and river hold lots of natural beauty, but a lot of Alton’s charm resides in its people. And, we are not the sorts of people conducive to the conservative and mostly child-friendly world of Nintendo properties. I mean, we could be, and I’m sure one could make the argument of how cool it would be to be Link climbing bluffs to fight giant birds using weird hook tools, but know that is why it’s on the list at all.

8 • NEED FOR SPEED

I get it, Mario Kart is arguably way more fun to play than Need for Speed (NFS), so why is NFS above it in the list? As I mentioned, Mario Kart would have one track dedicated to Alton. Arguably NFS could feature the whole Riverbend area. Could you imagine scoring a 1997 McLaren F1 and absolutely wasting it going down Market Street without a single worry for the real Alton Police Department (APD) ticketing you? We all have wanted to see how fast a car could go down the Great River Road from the comfort of our gaming dungeons. This could be our chance.

7 • RED DEAD REDEMPTION

There are several time periods in Alton history perfectly set up for a game of conflicting morality, heart-wrenching writing, and powerful characters solving issues through speech and violence. This franchise takes place in the wake of America’s failed Reconstruction following the Civil War, mostly west of the Mississippi. However, I would argue Alton could be a great setting during the times of Elijah P. Lovejoy. Prior to that, the Revolutionary War (especially the Battle of St. Louis) would be great. The journey of Lewis and Clark setting forth from Hartford could be an excellent setting as well. I mean, honestly, the possibilities are incredible. Maybe I’ve been to one too many historical reenactments, but I would love to see a video game feature Grafton’s fur trading posts.

6 • ELDER SCROLLS

Elder Scrolls could possibly be the greatest of all time (GOAT) in terms of fantasy role-playing games (RPGs). It transports you to an ancient world that never existed full of strange caverns full of artificial intelligence, demonic gods, incredible armors, swords, the undead, giant rats, and frozen spiders. I swear someone has told me of their encounters with each of these in Alton already. We’re halfway there. If the Riverbend was converted into an Elder Scrolls map full of drunken Bretons and Orc hunting camps, I’d be ecstatic. It could have dragons, monstrous catfish, strange forest critters, and just about everything else already in the games, but Alton-themed. It would be downright majestic. I’d love to see Grafton in this universe. Holy shit.

5 • HARVEST MOON

I believe I am showing my age here when I put in Harvest Moon instead of Stardew Valley, but I mean it. Imagine if you will, you suddenly inherit a farm in Elsah. It’s in disrepair. You have to clean it up, grow shit, and take it to market. You live off the land and meet your neighbors. There’s friendship, romance, mutual aid, and town mysteries. It’s what we must do in the digital era as our sense of community has been perverted by algorithms controlling us in ways we cannot even fathom. It’s almost as if our thoughts are not ours and maybe never have been. Anyway, to run away from that dreadful realization, spend the average American work week or two in Harvest Moon. You definitely won’t regret it.

4 • DISCO ELYSIUM

People compared me enough with this main character that I had to start fucking with it. I played it for some hours. I watched other people play it for more.

An unhinged, substance-abusing detective working among leftists in a strange world that doesn’t make much sense outside of itself is pretty much how I spent 2014-2019. During that time, I was the most-read reporter in this city, and it made me insane.

I dove deeply into everyone’s issues, sometimes inebriated. Sometimes I was even downright hallucinating. If ever you want to experience what it’s like to be your fucking news boy, play this game and you will find yourself saying, “wow, this guy sounds like Cory’s crazy posts on Facebook,” assuming you follow my bullshit.

3 • GRAND THEFT AUTO

With as much real world violence Alton is currently experiencing, this may hit the nail too much on the head. Many folks blame games like Grand Theft Auto for glorifying violence to young men at impressionable ages, causing an influx of more violence. While there is no actual evidence violent video games are linked to actual real-world violence outside of concerns and vibes, I want to drive home that I understand and respect that some people would find this entry on the list distasteful.

That being said, the gratuitous violence in these games are not the reason I would like to see one in Alton. It’s the storylines. Honestly, I know that sounds like a pervy guy saying he reads Playboy for the articles (I read it for the short fiction by the likes of Kurt Vonnegut, Norman Mailer, and Hunter S. Thompson), but it’s true. This franchise has a knack for subversive and surprising narratives. I could imagine one in Alton taking place in the late 80s or early 90s utilizing things such as St. Louis Regional Airport and the oft-rumored organized crime syndicates running cocaine through this area. Thirty or 40 years ago, Alton would have been a hub for this sort of narrative. You could be like a new-to-town private pilot roped in by a bar owner to make weird flights. You could show up on a train getting busted for a blow shipment.

2 • POKEMON

The diametrical opposition to the previous entry, the child-friendly and gun-free world of Pokemon would be incredible to see transposed over the Riverbend. Alton would be a hub of Ghost-Types like Gengar, Chandelure, and Misdreavus. The Mississippi River would be a hub of Whiscash and Basculin. You could catch Crawdaunts by the creeks. You could go to West Alton to catch tons of birds at the Migratory Bird Sanctuary. It could be an incredible adventure, and we could even have a new legendary Pokemon based on the Piasa. One could be based on a water panther and another on a thunderbird and they could fuse or something. It would be great.

1 • FALLOUT

This one nearly goes without saying, as a decently popular mod for Fallout 3 based in Alton already exists and was created by a local. It’s a pretty popular mod as well, helping to ensure our small fucked-up river city maintains its status as the cultural hub of Illinois. Whether or not that title is deserved (it is), everyone has to admit folks from around here are creative and wish that the whole world knew what this strange place had to offer.

Even if there wasn’t a popular mod for it, I would love to walk around a post-apocalyptic Alton covered in 50s-style futuristic tech. The radio stations would be eclectic. The enemies would be complicated and fearsome. The Easter Eggs would be endless. Also, we all know, despite our proximity to military infrastructure and a major U.S. city, we’d mostly survive the nuclear apocalypse. I don’t have any evidence outside of my vibes and a gut instinct, so maybe it’s best to pray for peace.

ANYWAY

That was our Top 10 list for Tuesday. We are looking for collaborators to do larger lists including best food, drink, and gas stations in the area. SO, IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A JUDGE OF CULTURE IN ILLINOIS’ CAPITAL OF CULTURE, shoot us an email at sunkenpresspodcast@gmail.com.