Help them if they’ll take it, survive if they won’t

Dear Nicole: How do you help someone who has a significant drug dependency get better? This person was significantly injured at work and has recently spiraled a bit due to some opioid dependency issues. I don't want to be overbearing, but I'm concerned for their health and safety. —Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

First I want to say that I know how hard loving someone in active addiction can be. I've been on both sides of that coin and neither is a walk in the park. As a nurse I've seen firsthand how opioids have ruined lives.

And it often happens gradually, over time. Addiction is so complex.

As an addict myself who has been through multiple types of addiction … staying sober and practicing harm reduction is a daily battle even now. This person is lucky to have someone like you who cares about their health and is willing to help them through it.

I'm not gonna lie though ... this is a situation in which “help” may not be possible on your part. You can be supportive. You can be honest. You can create boundaries that protect your peace. You can offer resources. You can be there through it.

But this person has to be ready and willing to accept it.

As cliche as it sounds, they have to want to help themselves. Attempt not to enable, which can be difficult. Sometimes we enable without even knowing it. Sometimes we think we're helping when we're not.

Like, my ex had a pretty gnarly crack addiction there for awhile (I've been clean from that since 2007) and you could do what I did which was think I was showing how much I accepted his demons and loved him so I let him smoke crack in front of me and then sucked his dick while he played hockey on the PS4, because I genuinely thought he’d see how much I cared, and that would make him quit.

Yeah. I know that was a lot. Maybe don't do that. You're better than that.

He actually quit on his own and I'm super proud of him. My point is that sometimes there's nothing we can do and that's something you need to be prepared for.

On to the things we CAN do! If you haven't already, be honest with your concerns. Sit them down and tell them what you see. I'm not a fan of group interventions. One-on-one is always better.

Their reaction is going to impact how you move forward. If they are also concerned about it and would like help, the first thing I would encourage them to do is to contact their doctor. They need to be completely honest with whoever is prescribing them the narcotics. They can help them taper down.

When it comes to opioids and detoxing there should always be a medical professional involved to monitor and treat. Never encourage someone who is physically dependent on opioids to quit cold turkey. This is extremely dangerous.

You can offer to come along to the appointment. You can offer to be a source of emotional support. But if they do not see the issue, you have to make choice. Are you willing to be there for them until they are ready to get help? Are you able to maintain that relationship if they keep using the way they are?

If you are, then check up on them often. Keep Narcan on you at all times and give some to them in case of an emergency. Encourage them to use the medication only as prescribed. Tell them you love them and are there if they ever need your help.

Not everyone is able to do this. I lost several people in my life when I was in active addiction who loved me but couldn't be around to see my spiral. At the time it felt like abandonment. But when I was able to see clearly, I realized that they were just protecting their mental health and peace. You should prioritize your own mental health and safety in this situation.

Taking a step back does not mean you don't care or that you're selfish. Creating boundaries for yourself while trying to help others is essential. You can love them from afar and let them know that when they are ready to get help you will be there. They may resent this at first if this is the route you choose. Stay strong and know that it is an act of love for both parties.

My heart goes out to you and this person. I'm sending long distance hugs here because this situation sucks ass. You are a great friend to have and I'm grateful this person has you in their life. Be safe and keep that big heart.

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